TOO MANY FEELS.
WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY FEELS?
I hate not being able to trust my own feelings. Thanks to a combination of being bipolar, having a fucked up childhood, and being overly dependent on A, that is increasingly the case, and I feel I cannot trust myself or make my own decisions.
Today is the funeral of my sister-in-law’s mother. I am not going. Ipswich is far away. Trains are expensive. I am a cripple and need to stay in bed today. These are the reasons (excuses) I am telling myself.
Then I see that C is going. She is leaving home at 6.30 am to make it there, in her wheelchair. I feel guilty now for not going. I go to the Facebook event page to apologise, and to finally give my condolences. Instead I actually pay attention and read the page properly. On doing so, I discover that there is a second ceremony in London tomorrow. Now I feel even more guilty. If I had realised this yesterday I would have at least considered staying in London and attending it. My brain automatically wonders who to blame now. Is this oversight my fault, for not reading the entire page, for not caring enough to take the time and pay attention? Or was the information not clear enough? I guess it doesn’t really matter.
I discovered all of this shortly after 8 am this morning. I mistakenly assumed that A also had today off work. He usually does whenever I do since he gets more holidays than I. So I assumed that I could hash this out with him at length, the way I do with virtually all my problems. Instead, it turned out that he did have to go to work, and we only had about 5 minutes to discuss the issue. I gave him the facts. I said I felt guilty. He had only minutes to deal with my feelings. He said that I cannot get leave from work tomorrow, that bereavement leave does not extend to distant in-laws, only immediate family. As far as he was concerned, that was that, case closed.
I know that he was trying to help. That it is not his fault that he had to rush off to work. But now I (irrationally) feel like my feelings have not been heard. The situation is more complicated than I had time to explain. Or, at least, I feel that it is. I need more time to discuss and process it.
If I had had time, I would have reminded A that my work are very lenient, that I am fairly confident that they would allow me to take tomorrow off, even at this short notice. So I feel that A’s excuse (reason) for not going tomorrow is invalid.
Everything is so damn complicated. Feelings are so messy. I do not know if this is just me. I have issues. I have guilt complexes, bred from years of living with someone who (possibly) has BPD, for whom guilt trips are a normal way of life.
I know that I should not feel guilty every time C decides to do something and I do not. But her health is so much worse than mine that I feel like if she can do it then I should be able to do it too.
I feel like I should be there for family. And I feel like A disagrees. I feel like this is probably because of the things I have told him about my childhood. He has heard mostly bad things. He knows that I do not like spending time with much of my family, and for perfectly valid reasons. But I still feel the tug of family responsibility. To compound matters, like with most things, I do not know if this is a ‘normal’ human response, or if it is a product of my mental illness and past. Is this just Catholic guilt, compounded by years of emotional abuse? Or is this the so-called ‘normal’ human response of “family comes first”?
I cannot tell any more.
This problem is compounded even further by the sudden realisation that A is actually a human being too, with his own feelings and experiences. He is not just some sounding board, not some machine for me to put my problems in and expect a decision to fall out. I have just said to someone that I am writing all this down instead of dumping it all on one person. But then I realised that if A had had the day off I would have happily dumped it all on him! I realise now that I expect too much from him.
I rely too much on him. I have known for a long time that I am overly dependent on him. My best friend lives in another country. Most of my other friends and acquaintances live in different counties, and I am not as close to any of them emotionally as I would like. I have known for a long time that I need a close friend who lives nearby. This is something that my CBT was supposed to help with. But it still has not happened. At times like these I am still at a loss as to who to turn to.
Oh, and to make today’s decision even more complicated… I have a therapy session tomorrow afternoon, which I would have to reschedule to be able to go to London. While I feel I would probably be able to get tomorrow off work easily enough, rescheduling my therapy feels a lot harder. This gives me more pause.
And then I look at all of this and wonder why I cannot make my own damn decisions. My therapist tells me that I am too passive a player in my own life. And, immediately, I have a passive reaction! I say nothing, but internally I blame others, I blame my childhood. And this is why I need psychotherapy!
Maybe I should keep this up, write everything down, and then show it all to a therapist. I am much better at putting words to my feelings than I used to be, but I still find writing them down easier than saying them out loud.
And yet more guilt… I argue with myself as to whether or not I should publish things like this, or keep them to myself (and maybe my therapist). I feel guilty for feeling guilty about the things to do with C, and A. Should I say these things somewhere where they can see them? I already know that A’s answer to that question would be yes, but I still worry. I don’t want to make them feel bad. I know that they have done nothing wrong. These are my feelings, and mine alone. I do not blame others for them (or not those mentioned above anyway).
I feel like this whole thing could probably be separated into about 5 different blog posts, and there are yet more issues that just writing this down has bought up, which I am now leaving out! But fuck it, feelings are messy and complicated and intertwined, so here they all are!
And now back to the original point, the crux of the matter…
Should I go to London tomorrow?
Someone please tell me, because I am not enough of a grown-up to decide for myself.